Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
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Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
the rocks need my help
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
thank god
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Not all heroes wear capes…
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february