What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
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If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.