I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”