People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
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So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Ugh but profoundly
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
How is it still this week?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.