“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
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THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
oh my god
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great