Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
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It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
The internet is magic sometimes.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.