The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
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Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate