Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
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If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.