At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
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A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*