My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
You Might Also Like
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?