Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
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when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
normalize having existential bread
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.