Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
You Might Also Like
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.