Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
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Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
That’s classic.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?