Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
“our sushi is very fresh”
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.