Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! š¹
You Might Also Like
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit thatās the name of the song now.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
If I was invited to a gender reveal party Iād bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I canāt wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a āFancy Turkeyā… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered āoutstandingā.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they arenāt being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that ālook funnyā behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said āthis is going to make it hard for me to walk since Iām right kneed.ā
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
āshe was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her carā
~police asking for help in my disappearance
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Me: I canāt work today. Thereās a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You canāt skip work because itās sunny.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Me: Time for bed, son. I donāt make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I have never in my life learned from another personās mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
When youāre feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.