a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
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*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
“Sheer Arrogance”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.