[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
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I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.