[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
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The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Oops
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.