Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Monica just destroyed the internet
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
What my back needs
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too