Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
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Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…