“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
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Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.