Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
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no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists