gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
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ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink