Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
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Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
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[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”