Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
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Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…