ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
You Might Also Like
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
This is sending me to another galaxy
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.