Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
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*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.