5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
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Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
S M O L
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.