“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
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Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.