Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
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The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting