men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
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*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Des Moines Police having a normal one
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.