Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
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White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
FRED: right
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
No Google it does not
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.