Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Me when my alarm goes off
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.