If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
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DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I have questions??
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic