*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
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Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*