‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
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I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.