[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
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roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
#Caturday
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*