I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Good morning, Twitter x
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”