My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
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I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes