*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
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I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.