Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
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Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Just a bush.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God