Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
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“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.