Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
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FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Always
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?