My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
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oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
The options really are this bad
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.