I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
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That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Very suspicious that this keeps happening