Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
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“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
#Caturday
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?