This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
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*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Incredible customer service.