Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
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Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.