The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
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Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
“just sayin” who asked you though?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Autocorrect is my menesis
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example