I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
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its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up